rivalsweetscent (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rivalsweetscent) wrote2011-04-11 06:06 am
rivalsweetscent) wrote2011-04-11 06:06 am
013// [Narration/E-mail]
He had done something.
Bulba had been able to figure that much out since the nightmares had started. What he couldn't figure out was exactly what it had been, or the how or the why. Nothing good, at any rate. Yet no matter how much he tried, he couldn't keep a firm grasp on the images he knew were lurking in his mind.
The screams were as frustrating as they were frightening. The bitterness that filled his mouth churned his stomach even more when night after night he couldn't place what it was. The lingering traces of a sweet scent were hauntingly familiar.
He knew these things. He knew he knew them. Very well, probably. But he could not for the life of him attach the lingering feelings to solid concepts. At least not the right ones.
Every time he had gone out under the cherry blossoms, he had been filled with an acute sense of dread. They were far too fragrant. The sweetness wasn't quite the same, but it was close enough to make his nauseous. Hundreds of pink petals falling gently through the air. Hundreds of pink petals scattered across the ground.
Suddenly, staying awake wasn't an escape anymore. He'd been starting to believe that this was going to drive him completely mad. All the late nights shivering, all the times he woke up with tears flowing across his cheeks, every burst of guilty panic that he never seemed able to get used to… Now that he could no longer seek a reprieve in the daylight, he was certain he was going to lose it.
The feeling could be kept at bay when Kirby was at his side but…Kirby wasn't there anymore.
He had done something.
He had killed Vinnie.
At first having this knowledge handed to him was simply that: a simple fact and nothing more. The more it sat with him, however, the more it took root and became an understanding. He had forcibly caused the then Ivysaur to lose his life. He had… Bulba didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to process this. He only had what Max had told him to go on. At least until he slept.
The screams belonged to an Ivysaur writhing in pain. The bitterness in his mouth was the taste of sap and blood. The sweet smell was a dying flower's desperate attempt to save itself. The anxious feeling that filled him when he stood beneath the cherry trees was born from pulling each pink petal out, one by one. A voice was whispering in his ear, and all he could see was haunted, hating red eyes.
Bulba had woken up silently, laying still save for the trembling that had slowly started in his fingers and was moving up his hands. He remembered the how and the what. But what was the why…? What drove him to kill one of his own in cold blood? What kind of person had he been? There was a feeling settling over him that turned his blood to ice.
He had enjoyed it.
It wasn't him. That's what they would tell him. Whoever he had been, it hadn't actually been him. As nice as that sounded, he found it incredibly difficult to actually buy in to. Not when he could still feel the warmth of blood seeping through gloves across his hands. Try as he might, he couldn't get the feeling to go away. Over the week he collected more and more small scratches across his hands as he absently tried to brush the phantom liquid away. He never really noticed the stinging.
A tiny, still rational part of him tried to reason that maybe he really should go talk to Knuckles. He was a really good guy. The echidna wouldn't be about to point any fingers if he had gone through something similar himself. Bulba wasn't about to do that though. He felt uncomfortable knowing that Max knew. Who else knew… Green, if Max had been any indication. Is that why he had been acting so strange? If he knew, Char and Nyx probably did. He wondered how long they had looked at him, knowing what he had done. Had Kirby known? Was that why he… He felt sick every time he thought about the possibility.
And of course, Vinnie knew. That was without a doubt the worst. That night they had both been up with their own demons… here it was that Bulba had (probably) been the cause and yet… yet… Vinnie had still be the one reassuring him that everything would be fine. That it hadn't been him. That it hadn't been real. But there he was with his own fears and Bulba had just… He felt absolutely horrible. Bulba couldn't possibly imagine what must have been going through Vinnie's head, and yet…
The Venusaur had been nothing but kind to him. To him.. He didn't deserve a lick of it and yet there it was. Looking back at all the kind words and somewhat awkward reassurances, they just drove a knife through his chest.
Bulba didn't understand any of it. Not why it had happened, not how Vinnie could stand to be anywhere around him, not what he could possibly do about any of it. He had wanted to know what he had done so he could try to fix it but how on earth was he supposed to do that? There was no apology for this. How did one make amends to the dead when they were living and carrying that burden with them?
When the decision clicked in his mind, he didn't hesitate. This was necessary. It was hardly fair, but it was all he could allow himself to do. There were far too many things keeping him there. Too many promises he refused to break. His room mate's words rolled around his mind, but he could not heed them. There'd be no running from this. He wouldn't be able to even if he tried.
Far off where he was sure no one could see, it was done. It was over as soon as he started. It was startling how easy it had been and how delicate it all really was. It hurt far more than he expected, but he didn't seem to notice. It was a far paler comparison anyway. A sweet protest was trailing through the air. Bulba stared bleakly down at the yellow petal as it touched the forest floor. It was as much of an apology to the place it had happened as much as it was to the person he had done it to. It wasn't a place he could stay for long. He'd betrayed the forest just as much.
He supposed accepting it was all he could do. The dreams just got worse. He still wanted answers those memories couldn't provide. A week was a long time for anything to happen in. If Vinnie hadn't been the only one… All of these things, Bulba knew, came down to actually confronting it. If anyone else would be able to shed some light on things, it was probably the person it had happened to. But if not him, then… well there might have been another option.
After a few failed attempts at scrolling through the contact list on his phone, he finally managed to hover on the other saur's name long enough to press the call button.
… He hung up shortly after, dropping the phone next to him and pressing his palms to his temples. Everything was so messed up.
---
Hello.
This is mostly just out of curiosity. A short while back on the network you wrote about bending some rules… I was wondering if you might still be persuaded?
…Just wondering. Thank you.
--Bulba
Re: [ACTION; Later that evening.]
He didn't want to speculate if any new troubles had managed to rear their ugly head over Bulba. Vinnie knew he had a tendency to overthink things in worry, and it frankly helped no one. Still, a tiny possibility haunted him: what if Bulba remembered? Just by some act of chance, everything came back to him? The thought didn't sit easily on him - because if he remembered one thing, all that was needed was a chain reaction for the full truth to come out: fatally poisoning Green. That by itself was a hundred times worse than murdering some punk Ivysaur in the woods. If it had been Vinnie, and Red had almost died? He didn't know how he'd live with himself.
All Vinnie did know was that he regretted not finding Bulba immediately after the phone call. He hadn't been in his room, so he couldn't begin to guess where he went. The Venusaur could only wait until evening, when Bulba said he'd come to him.
The knock on his door still managed to startle him, somehow. Vinnie collected himself, trying his best to stifle the look of worry that was most likely ingrained onto his face at this point. Maybe it was nothing. Or maybe everything went wrong.
The door opened. Did Bulba look... paler than usual? The feeling of apprehension surfaced again, audible. "Hey. Are you... okay?"
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He looked up briefly when the door opened, and almost immediately dropped his gaze. He couldn't quite bring himself to look the older saur in the eye. He kind of wanted to dart off down the hall, but he'd been suffering that feeling far too often lately. "Um..." Bulba chewed on the inside of his lip, looking unsure of how to answer that. In the end he just went with the mostly honest answer of, "... Could be better."
Bulba attempted to peek around the Venusaur into his room as if he were looking for someone, or possibly listening for them. He couldn't hear any snoring though. "Is Sonny in...?"
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His room was about as messy as it usually was, with a row of potted plants lining the window. His new additions were about as odd as he'd mentioned on the phone: half a dozen giant tulips the size of children. It'd almost be comical if it weren't for the fact that they crowded up Vinnie's half of the room.
He gave the computer chair a rolling push towards Bulba, if the kid wanted to sit down, while taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "So." Concerned red eyes watched the Ivysaur with hesitation. "What's up?"
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He idly stopped the chair's rolling progress with his foot. After a moment's consideration he let it stay where it was, slightly twisting it back and forth with his hand on its back. He'd just stand around awkwardly for now.
"I'm just trying to figure some things out," he said quietly, still keeping an active watch on the mutant flowers as if they would start dancing at any moment. "I was wondering if you remembered anything from that weird week at all." Bulba was curious to hear what Vinnie would say. It wasn't being fair since Bulba already knew he knew, but he wanted to know just how much of a secret this was supposed to be. "I don't think I asked before."
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But it bothered him that Bulba seemed to be searching for answers behind that week at all. Vinnie shifted uncomfortably as he sighed, a clear unwillingness to answer in his air. "Not lots," he muttered. He grew distant. The red of his gaze began to stray towards the ground, unable to hold the younger Saur in his sight.
"I already told you I trashed Max's tank. Among other things. I was just an angry fuck up of an Ivysaur." And that's all he was. Really.
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So he wouldn't say. Bulba couldn't say he was surprised. He couldn't blame him either. It had to take a lot to just come out with "oh and also you murdered me." That wasn't really something you said to a guy. The only reason Vinnie's silence on the matter hurt now was because Bulba already knew. What he didn't know couldn't hurt him, after all. He tightened his jaw, briefly casting a look over the top of Vinnie's head.
Quite frankly it wasn't any easier coming out and saying he knew what he had done. He let the awkward void of silence fill the space between them. How to go about it. Bulba opened his lips to say something but his mouth felt to dry to form words. There was a small voice inside of him pleading to just drop the issue, that each of them could just work things out on their own and-- Bulba ignored that as quickly as it bubbled up. That couldn't happen. Perhaps it would save them both from this moment, but things were never going to be the same for either of them.
Bulba silently took a seat in the chair, hesitantly wheeling closer to where Vinnie sat on the bed. The Ivysaur bowed his head, keeping his gaze somewhere around Vinnie's knee as he held a somewhat marred hand out towards him to hand him something. Most of what he held remained scattered in the forest, but there was a bit that was just for him. Tiny slivers of what looked like grass and a few torn, soft swatches of bright yellow probably meant very little for almost anyone else, but Bulba was briefly hesitant in letting them go. There was no point in explaining them. Bulba knew Vinnie would know right away.
I know what you're not telling me.
". . . I'm sorry," he finally managed to whisper, his voice fleet and wavering.
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It wasn't until the petals' fragrance hit him that everything began sinking in, near drowning the Venusaur under the shock of realization. He stared openly, as though he had just been offered a severed limb by way of apology. Why, why?
First wave, and his blood ran cold: Bulba knew. How did Bulba know? Did he remember? Was he told? It couldn't be Green. Was it Max?
Second wave, panic: Bulba knew. He wasn't supposed to know. It wasn't his burden and I fucked up.
Third wave, horror: Bulba knew. He remembered and... did that to himself?
Vinnie opened his mouth, but any chance of coherent thought faltered long before they had a chance to reach his lips. The silence was suffocating as his expression struggled to keep up with the flurry of emotions inside him. His instincts urged him to comfort the Ivysaur, but every shred of petal before him felt like a complete betrayal. He didn't want this. He just wanted to leave everything behind. Bulba had to know he was already forgiven, so why...?
In the end, it was anger that won out after all. It was just so, so much easier to distill the confusion into simple fury. His fingers curled up, forcefully gripping the edge of the edge of the bed lest he give into the urge to hit something then and there.
"What did you do to yourself."
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He was angry. Bulba supposed that was alright. He preferred that rather than kindness. It was so much easier to deal with the image of hateful eyes when there was a seething voice accompanying it. It hurt far less than the knife that warmth and kindness hid. Negative emotions were justified. Those were supposed to happen.
He didn't know he was forgiven. He wasn't even expecting that. That wasn't something you received forgiveness for. Honestly he wasn't sure what he was expecting from any of this. As long as he got answers, perhaps it didn't really matter.
It wasn't something he'd let himself come to regret. He couldn't quite tear his eyes away from the flecks of yellow. That was him. Bulba finally risked a second glance up at Vinnie, gold meeting red just long enough for him to speak. His voice continue to come quietly, but he was far more sure of himself than he was a few moments ago.
"... What's only fair. You remember it. I should too."
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In a furious huff, the Venusaur stood up, forcibly severing that tenuous link of eye contact. All that frustrated energy clawed at him from the inside, and it was all he could do to keep himself from storming away, period. Not that he could go very far anyway, within the confines of his dorm room. But no, this had to be addressed.
He paced over to the table by the window, all crowded up with his normal-sized potted plants. Breathe. His voice came lower now - no less furious, only dulled into a dangerous seethe. "Why in all the hells would you do that to yourself?"
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Guilt had a funny way of working things, that was why. There were a couple of different ways to answer that question, and each was far more unsatisfactory than the last. Bulba's mouth worked to say something, but he couldn't quite figure out which words to say. They sat unmoving on his tongue, waiting. In the long run, Bulba knew it didn't really matter what he said at this point. Absolutely none of it was anything that Vinnie would want to hear.
The Ivysaur sat up a little straighter in the chair, lifting his head. There was no good way through this. That was okay. He was already feeling lighter.
"It was something I needed to do."
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The sight of Red's face as he sat by the hospital bed floated to the surface of his mind, and the overwhelming feeling of shame that accompanied it. Even in his pain-sick delirium, he remembered the way his worried, sleepless trainer rested his hand on the Venusaur's head and blamed himself over nothing that could've been prevented. The feeling gutted him.
"Do you have any fuckin' idea what Green's gonna say when he sees you like that? Your team? Ripping yourself apart... God-fucking-dammit, Max." He was an idiot to think he could just tell that thick-headed wall of meat and expect it to remain a secret. This was just as much his fault was it was his stupid, stupid boss.
Vinnie closed his eyes. "This is exactly why I didn't want t'tell you in the first place."
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"Didn't you know? We have a reputation for being reckless." If that sounded bitter, it was because it was. In the long run, Bulba's action had been a selfish one. He knew that. But he could honestly say that he was not the only one with a selfish streak. Char was littered in his own injuries from dealing with who even knew what. Green had sliced open his hand just to keep the Ivysaur from asking him more questions. He could still see the bright splashes of red falling in the sink. It didn't make it fair. It didn't make it right. He couldn't change what he couldn't change.
He knew they'd be furious, but he'd stand on his own four feet.
Bulba had since turned around in the chair, looking hard at Vinnie's back. "Did you think that was going to protect me? That not telling me was going to make it better?"
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There was nothing to make better. He'd somehow landed in a magical world where the world could just undo itself for a week, as though nothing even happened. Everything got fixed. Except for the people, of course.
If these weren't memories that came back on their own - thanks, Max - then it was likely that there were still hazy patches from that altered week. So long as Green was one of those patches? Then yes, as far as Vinnie was concerned, he was protecting Bulba.
Killing Vinnie was one thing. And his reaction had been pulling out his own petals. Killing Green, the most pivotal and beloved person in the Ivysaur's life? Fuck.
Eventually, Vinnie finally muttered, "...How much do you remember."
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"... Not very much about the week. Saying things I don't quite recall, seeing faces I don't think I've ever seen before... Char was... somewhere. Green chose another starter... Mm, I keep thinking I remember mine but..." He was going over the tiny bits and pieces as much as he could, hoping maybe they'd connect to something else. Mostly he was trying to avoid the main memory. As soon as it came to that whatever confidence he was trying to hold on to faltered and he grew quiet again.
"I remember what I did to you." He hoped that was enough of a blanket statement. He severely doubted he'd be able to voice the images he was watching in his memories. The sap was seeping across his fingers again. His thumb started to absently brush over the tops of his fingers, willing the feeling to leave. "We talked... sort of... I can't really remember exactly, but there was a him...? I don't know who that was. Someone you met, I guess.
"I don't know who I was... I wore gloves." His fingers curled and he forcibly moved his hands to his sides. "All I knows is I..." His thoughts were punctuated with each tearing petal's scream and his back throbbed. "He... enjoyed it.."
Bulba shrunk in on himself, trying to keep his voice from wavering too much. "I remember your eyes. From before. They were the same as when... with your leaves... I don't know why I didn't notice before..."
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His shoulders relaxed visibly. Vinnie still couldn't bring himself to look at the other Saur - this time, in case his expression gave too much away. As Bulba continued to talk, however, it didn't take long for his heart to sink back into that dark pit where his alternate self still lived.
"I wasn't that different," he thought out loud - there was a touch of self-loathing in the low grumble of his tone. "All it took was one shit decision to turn me into him. If it wasn't you, something else would'a killed me. I was just that kind've fuck up."
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"I just don't understand why it happened at all. Had we even met before that? It couldn't have just been because he made you breakfast..."
Bulba trailed off as confusion suddenly started to cloud his expression. Breakfast? Where had that come from. He furrowed his brow a little as he tried to follow the thought out loud. "... Who made breakfast? There was a lunch too..."
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Bulba might have sensed the tension in the Venusaur's body - it was practically palpable. It was clear from the forceful tone of voice that he wasn't going to give out an explanation willingly.
"Why it happened doesn't fucking matter. It just happened. It wasn't you, and it never will be you.
"Don't try t'figure out that guy's head. You're not helping anyone by getting stuck in the past."
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"I don't want to get stuck on it, I just want to understand it so I can put it behind me!"
The Ivysaur clenched his teeth, shaking his head because he didn't know where he was supposed to be directing all of his frustration. "You can say it wasn't me, but that doesn't change the fact that Green can barely stand to look at me!"
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"If he didn't want t'dump it on you, that's his call. I told him I'd keep my mouth shut. And I'm not about t'break my promise to Green just t'give you another reason to hurt yourself."
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"Please. At least tell me how he even knows. Something's eating him away inside and I don't even know if it's me or if something else happened. I want to help him but he can't even look at me. He's trying so hard not to make it obvious but..." Bulba trailed off, looking forlornly at the potted plants on the table. His worried babble wasn't over yet though. "There's nothing else I would do. That was just for making you... go through that twice..." He shook his head again. "I promised I'd be there for him, but I can't if I don't know why he won't let me."
Bulba leaned closer, trying to look up at him with a genuine plea. "He already hurt himself once, Vinnie. Please don't make me have to watch him do it again."
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He knew the whole thing affected Green more than the trainer would ever let on to anyone else - that promise was to give him peace of mind, to let him sort out what was best for his team. But if it came to this... then could he really let Green handle things on his own?
Vinnie's eyes narrowed. "What did he do."
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Bulba lowered his gaze. "... He sliced his hand open with the knife I forgot on the counter... Luckily it was shallow but... He still tried to pass it off as an accident. He ran off as soon as I got a bandage on it."
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Seriously.
Vinnie couldn't begin to fathom why Green would want to accidentally slice himself open in front of Bulba. When did this happen? The day Bulba was toiling in the kitchen? What brought Green to that point? There was too much going through their heads that Vinnie couldn't account for, and he hated it.
So what exactly was the responsible thing to do here?
Bulba got a good, long stare in silence, by an exasperated, pissed off, horrified, worried, sympathetic, traumatized Venusaur. After what seemed like an eon of tense silence, Vinnie crossed his arms and growled, "...If you ever do anything that fuckin' stupid again, I'm gonna kick your ass. Got it?"
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What was important was whatever came next. Bulba looked back up at him, trying to figure something out from his expression but he couldn't place it.
"Please."
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He leaned against the table, gaze focused on someplace far away. This wasn't exactly a story he felt comfortable telling while staring his murderer's lookalike in the face. Not that there was really any comfortable way to disclose this sort of information. The memory of pain was masked by a veil of irritation as he spoke, but the Venusaur would go quieter at times.
"I was pretty much attacking anyone who went near the forest and causing property damage, but Green still tried t'make nice with me. Made me breakfast a few times... That didn't sit well with whatever psycho Ivysaur you'd turned into for some reason.
"We never even met before. He just waltzed in some time after Green left and pulled out all my petals, just for meeting him a few times. Green found me the next morning. Stayed 'til I died.
"I wasn't anything but a goddamn message. I don't even fuckin' know why. I remember he said something 'bout teaching Green t'hate. It sounded like he was jealous, but... he just wanted t'hurt Green. And he did."
Pause. That was all he really knew. Vinnie gave a shaky sigh, hand against his forehead. The impending awkward of his silence spelled out a simple question: were you happy now?
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