rivalsweetscent | 013// [Narration/E-mail]

013// [Narration/E-mail]

He had done something.

Bulba had been able to figure that much out since the nightmares had started. What he couldn't figure out was exactly what it had been, or the how or the why. Nothing good, at any rate. Yet no matter how much he tried, he couldn't keep a firm grasp on the images he knew were lurking in his mind.

The screams were as frustrating as they were frightening. The bitterness that filled his mouth churned his stomach even more when night after night he couldn't place what it was. The lingering traces of a sweet scent were hauntingly familiar.

He knew these things. He knew he knew them. Very well, probably. But he could not for the life of him attach the lingering feelings to solid concepts. At least not the right ones.

Every time he had gone out under the cherry blossoms, he had been filled with an acute sense of dread. They were far too fragrant. The sweetness wasn't quite the same, but it was close enough to make his nauseous. Hundreds of pink petals falling gently through the air. Hundreds of pink petals scattered across the ground.

Suddenly, staying awake wasn't an escape anymore. He'd been starting to believe that this was going to drive him completely mad. All the late nights shivering, all the times he woke up with tears flowing across his cheeks, every burst of guilty panic that he never seemed able to get used to… Now that he could no longer seek a reprieve in the daylight, he was certain he was going to lose it.

The feeling could be kept at bay when Kirby was at his side but…Kirby wasn't there anymore.

He had done something.

He had killed Vinnie.

At first having this knowledge handed to him was simply that: a simple fact and nothing more. The more it sat with him, however, the more it took root and became an understanding. He had forcibly caused the then Ivysaur to lose his life. He had… Bulba didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to process this. He only had what Max had told him to go on. At least until he slept.

The screams belonged to an Ivysaur writhing in pain. The bitterness in his mouth was the taste of sap and blood. The sweet smell was a dying flower's desperate attempt to save itself. The anxious feeling that filled him when he stood beneath the cherry trees was born from pulling each pink petal out, one by one. A voice was whispering in his ear, and all he could see was haunted, hating red eyes.

Bulba had woken up silently, laying still save for the trembling that had slowly started in his fingers and was moving up his hands. He remembered the how and the what. But what was the why…? What drove him to kill one of his own in cold blood? What kind of person had he been? There was a feeling settling over him that turned his blood to ice.

He had enjoyed it.

It wasn't him. That's what they would tell him. Whoever he had been, it hadn't actually been him. As nice as that sounded, he found it incredibly difficult to actually buy in to. Not when he could still feel the warmth of blood seeping through gloves across his hands. Try as he might, he couldn't get the feeling to go away. Over the week he collected more and more small scratches across his hands as he absently tried to brush the phantom liquid away. He never really noticed the stinging.

A tiny, still rational part of him tried to reason that maybe he really should go talk to Knuckles. He was a really good guy. The echidna wouldn't be about to point any fingers if he had gone through something similar himself. Bulba wasn't about to do that though. He felt uncomfortable knowing that Max knew. Who else knew… Green, if Max had been any indication. Is that why he had been acting so strange? If he knew, Char and Nyx probably did. He wondered how long they had looked at him, knowing what he had done. Had Kirby known? Was that why he… He felt sick every time he thought about the possibility.

And of course, Vinnie knew. That was without a doubt the worst. That night they had both been up with their own demons… here it was that Bulba had (probably) been the cause and yet… yet… Vinnie had still be the one reassuring him that everything would be fine. That it hadn't been him. That it hadn't been real. But there he was with his own fears and Bulba had just… He felt absolutely horrible. Bulba couldn't possibly imagine what must have been going through Vinnie's head, and yet…

The Venusaur had been nothing but kind to him. To him.. He didn't deserve a lick of it and yet there it was. Looking back at all the kind words and somewhat awkward reassurances, they just drove a knife through his chest.

Bulba didn't understand any of it. Not why it had happened, not how Vinnie could stand to be anywhere around him, not what he could possibly do about any of it. He had wanted to know what he had done so he could try to fix it but how on earth was he supposed to do that? There was no apology for this. How did one make amends to the dead when they were living and carrying that burden with them?

When the decision clicked in his mind, he didn't hesitate. This was necessary. It was hardly fair, but it was all he could allow himself to do. There were far too many things keeping him there. Too many promises he refused to break. His room mate's words rolled around his mind, but he could not heed them. There'd be no running from this. He wouldn't be able to even if he tried.

Far off where he was sure no one could see, it was done. It was over as soon as he started. It was startling how easy it had been and how delicate it all really was. It hurt far more than he expected, but he didn't seem to notice. It was a far paler comparison anyway. A sweet protest was trailing through the air. Bulba stared bleakly down at the yellow petal as it touched the forest floor. It was as much of an apology to the place it had happened as much as it was to the person he had done it to. It wasn't a place he could stay for long. He'd betrayed the forest just as much.

He supposed accepting it was all he could do. The dreams just got worse. He still wanted answers those memories couldn't provide. A week was a long time for anything to happen in. If Vinnie hadn't been the only one… All of these things, Bulba knew, came down to actually confronting it. If anyone else would be able to shed some light on things, it was probably the person it had happened to. But if not him, then… well there might have been another option.

After a few failed attempts at scrolling through the contact list on his phone, he finally managed to hover on the other saur's name long enough to press the call button.

… He hung up shortly after, dropping the phone next to him and pressing his palms to his temples. Everything was so messed up.

---

Hello. This is mostly just out of curiosity. A short while back on the network you wrote about bending some rules… I was wondering if you might still be persuaded? …Just wondering. Thank you. --Bulba

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Vinnie almost gave a sigh of relief hearing that. So Bulba didn't even remember the person in question - that made it much less likely that he remembered anything about poisoning said person. Maybe, as long as Bulba was focused on the crime of murdering another Ivysaur, he'd rationalize the feelings of guilt from there, rather than a second source.

His shoulders relaxed visibly. Vinnie still couldn't bring himself to look at the other Saur - this time, in case his expression gave too much away. As Bulba continued to talk, however, it didn't take long for his heart to sink back into that dark pit where his alternate self still lived.

"I wasn't that different," he thought out loud - there was a touch of self-loathing in the low grumble of his tone. "All it took was one shit decision to turn me into him. If it wasn't you, something else would'a killed me. I was just that kind've fuck up."

That wasn't really sitting comfortably with Bulba. "You still wouldn't have deserved it," he said softly as he looked back up at him. He lowered his gaze slightly, content to watch the floral pattern of the other Saur's shirt as if he were secretly hoping the printed flowers would be able to provide him with information. They were about as willing as Vinnie was about it.

"I just don't understand why it happened at all. Had we even met before that? It couldn't have just been because he made you breakfast..."

Bulba trailed off as confusion suddenly started to cloud his expression. Breakfast? Where had that come from. He furrowed his brow a little as he tried to follow the thought out loud. "... Who made breakfast? There was a lunch too..."

"Stop." Vinnie turned his head around just enough so Bulba was in the corner of his eye. There was something threatening in the blood tint of his glare, intent on nipping this line of talk in the bud. "Just stop."

Bulba might have sensed the tension in the Venusaur's body - it was practically palpable. It was clear from the forceful tone of voice that he wasn't going to give out an explanation willingly.

"Why it happened doesn't fucking matter. It just happened. It wasn't you, and it never will be you.

"Don't try t'figure out that guy's head. You're not helping anyone by getting stuck in the past."

At first that reaction honestly surprised him, and Bulba could just blink at the Venusaur. The increase in tension and the tone of his voice did nothing to chase away the confusion that had been bubbling up. In fact all it served was to invoke even more confusion. This denial of information thing was really starting to get old. Irritation was quick on his heels, urging him out of the seat.

"I don't want to get stuck on it, I just want to understand it so I can put it behind me!"

The Ivysaur clenched his teeth, shaking his head because he didn't know where he was supposed to be directing all of his frustration. "You can say it wasn't me, but that doesn't change the fact that Green can barely stand to look at me!"

Vinnie wasn't going to back down just because you felt frustrated, Bulba. He had his stubborn streaks, and while it wasn't saying much with his comparatively relaxed team, he still had the worst temper among them as well. Even though he'd mellowed out considerably from his Ivysaur days, a hint of the old Vinnie was definitely showing right now.

"If he didn't want t'dump it on you, that's his call. I told him I'd keep my mouth shut. And I'm not about t'break my promise to Green just t'give you another reason to hurt yourself."

Frustration was lapsing into something more desperate as the conversation turned to more than just Vinnie. Bulba crossed the distance between, hovering just by the Venusaur's side.

"Please. At least tell me how he even knows. Something's eating him away inside and I don't even know if it's me or if something else happened. I want to help him but he can't even look at me. He's trying so hard not to make it obvious but..." Bulba trailed off, looking forlornly at the potted plants on the table. His worried babble wasn't over yet though. "There's nothing else I would do. That was just for making you... go through that twice..." He shook his head again. "I promised I'd be there for him, but I can't if I don't know why he won't let me."

Bulba leaned closer, trying to look up at him with a genuine plea. "He already hurt himself once, Vinnie. Please don't make me have to watch him do it again."

Well, this was new to Vinnie. Exasperation was introduced to the medley of emotions on his now scowling face - what was it with Green team and self harm, seriously? Did they really not understand how much it pained other people to see them hurt?

He knew the whole thing affected Green more than the trainer would ever let on to anyone else - that promise was to give him peace of mind, to let him sort out what was best for his team. But if it came to this... then could he really let Green handle things on his own?

Vinnie's eyes narrowed. "What did he do."

Green team were masters of coping skills, clearly.

Bulba lowered his gaze. "... He sliced his hand open with the knife I forgot on the counter... Luckily it was shallow but... He still tried to pass it off as an accident. He ran off as soon as I got a bandage on it."

Good god what was wrong with you all.

Seriously.

Vinnie couldn't begin to fathom why Green would want to accidentally slice himself open in front of Bulba. When did this happen? The day Bulba was toiling in the kitchen? What brought Green to that point? There was too much going through their heads that Vinnie couldn't account for, and he hated it.

So what exactly was the responsible thing to do here?

Bulba got a good, long stare in silence, by an exasperated, pissed off, horrified, worried, sympathetic, traumatized Venusaur. After what seemed like an eon of tense silence, Vinnie crossed his arms and growled, "...If you ever do anything that fuckin' stupid again, I'm gonna kick your ass. Got it?"

"That's fine," Bulba mumbled, his ears twitching back against his head. "I'd deserve it at that point." That wasn't to say he didn't think he deserved it now, but that was hardly important at the moment.

What was important was whatever came next. Bulba looked back up at him, trying to figure something out from his expression but he couldn't place it.

"Please."

Edited 2011-04-16 10:52 (UTC)

That response got an annoyed frown out of Vinnie, but at this point he just grunted and turned away. Fine. If this is what you really wanted, then he hoped you could somehow find comfort in it. That you wouldn't regret it.

He leaned against the table, gaze focused on someplace far away. This wasn't exactly a story he felt comfortable telling while staring his murderer's lookalike in the face. Not that there was really any comfortable way to disclose this sort of information. The memory of pain was masked by a veil of irritation as he spoke, but the Venusaur would go quieter at times.

"I was pretty much attacking anyone who went near the forest and causing property damage, but Green still tried t'make nice with me. Made me breakfast a few times... That didn't sit well with whatever psycho Ivysaur you'd turned into for some reason.

"We never even met before. He just waltzed in some time after Green left and pulled out all my petals, just for meeting him a few times. Green found me the next morning. Stayed 'til I died.

"I wasn't anything but a goddamn message. I don't even fuckin' know why. I remember he said something 'bout teaching Green t'hate. It sounded like he was jealous, but... he just wanted t'hurt Green. And he did."

Pause. That was all he really knew. Vinnie gave a shaky sigh, hand against his forehead. The impending awkward of his silence spelled out a simple question: were you happy now?

Edited 2011-04-16 12:25 (UTC)

As happy as anyone could be when being handed some of the forgotten details of a murder. So, basically, no, Bulba was not exactly the definition of happy. Somewhere he did manage to feel an odd sense of content. Things were finally becoming clearer now that he had a few more things to put into the puzzle. He just wished it could have all come to light sooner.

The Ivysaur drew back from Vinnie's side, placing a few feet of distance back between them. There had been the desire to reach out, but he knew very well that a touch from him would be hardly comforting in any way. He wrapped his arms up around himself instead as if that would hide the heartbreak he was wearing very obviously out on his sleeve.

"… Thank you." He meant it.

Despite the surge of inquiries this knowledge brought to rise, Bulba couldn't bring himself to ask Vinnie anything else. He wouldn't know. It wasn't his place. Bulba had already put him through enough, it was just time to stop. As much as he knew it was a good idea, he couldn't stop himself from going over the speculation on his own.

He'd hurt Green. The thought made him feel sick. He'd been aiming to hurt Green the whole time. Why? Because I want you to hate me.

Why.

Because he was kind. Sweet. A friend. You're a distraction.

"I'm sorry," Bulba said suddenly, interrupting the awkward silence one more time. A chill had come over him all of a sudden. Bulba hugged himself a little tighter. He felt like he really needed to leave. "For everything. I'll stay out of your way."

Glancing over at the new wave of turmoil enveloping Bulba, Vinnie very quickly felt disgusted with himself. He still wasn't convinced he was doing the right thing - how could he, when all this information was only going to drive the kid into uncovering more? And blame himself more? Not to mention Green was going to gut him for breaking that promise. Great job, Venusaur.

"Don't be sorry," he muttered, with a mix of honesty and shame. "You came out this fuck up just as messed as I did, maybe worse.

"None'a this is your fault. I don't blame you. I don't hate you either, I couldn't if I tried."

"It'd be a lot easier if you did," he replied sadly. The kindness and worry was just confusing sometimes. It hurt at others. Bulba dug his fingers into his sleeves, looking down at the floor. "But I think I'm glad you don't."

It was just painful. He might not have hated him, but he knew Vinnie couldn't really look at him either. Bulba was different, but Frankie had still worn his face. Green was the only other one that called him that. He said there was still good in that face. He... He was teetering on the edge of something, and it was nothing he wanted Vinnie to see.

"... I should go." He was already moving towards the door.

A pause. "Nothing dumb, I promise."

Vinnie looked up, watching him go. For some reason, the sight of Bulbas's retreating back squeezed his chest uncomfortably tight - it took a moment for him to realize he'd forgotten to breathe.

If he let Bulba hang up, walk out without anything anything more, the Venusaur would regret it.

So as hard as it was to squeeze the voice from his throat, Vinnie steeled himself to look the Ivysaur in the eye and say something. "Wait, Bulba..."

That brought him to a nervous halt. Bulba looked over at him, hesitantly meeting Vinnie's eyes. He was fairly certain it was the first time in more than a month that they had made actual eye contact.

"... Hm?"

Well, now that he was actually on the spot to say something, it struck Vinnie that he hadn't actually thought of what he wanted to tell him. For a good second or two he just stared back, mind going blank on his tongue.

If he didn't say something, then the moment was going to pass and Bulba would walk away again. This couldn't last forever. He took a deep breath.

"Maybe it took dying, but... in the very end, I - the Ivysaur I used to be - learned how to believe in people again. That's a feeling I'll remember too."

His posture softened. For all the memories he bottled inside him, he could bear it. He could get stronger. Knowing what it felt like to very genuinely have nothing, feel nothing, and die, it put the rest of his troubles in perspective. Bulba didn't have to worry about him.

"You never had t'do anything for me except to forgive yourself."

Edited 2011-04-17 09:25 (UTC)

For all the cold that was reaching up inside him, there was a little glimmer of something else. He wasn't sure if he could call it warm, but it was pleasant. It was a feeling he'd come to forget about in the last week. The ability to smile was far off, but there was just a little something there. It was bittersweet at best, but it was something.

He couldn't quite say he was entirely comfortable with the idea. Not quite yet. It was much harder for him give himself the same chance for forgiveness that he held for everyone else.

All he could do was try.

"... I'm working on it. I'm afraid I'm a little behind the rest of you."

That was all Vinnie could ask of him.

He gave a small, mute nod. Yeah, he was still hurt and angry at your screwed up coping methods, but as much as Vinnie hated to admit, he wasn't qualified to judge you. Bulba got what he wanted now, and it was up to him to be strong enough to fight it. There wasn't anything else Vinnie could do for him.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry too." For letting it all come to this. For hiding the truth. For not being able to protect you.

Edited 2011-04-17 23:46 (UTC)

Bulba watched him for a moment, continuing to linger near the door. What a pair they made. He took in a small sigh, quietly releasing it.

"There's nothing for you to apologize for," Bulba said eventually. He'd been through enough. The Ivysaur might have been upset that things had been kept under wraps for long, but deep down it wasn't anything he could hold anyone at fault for. Had it been the other way around, he probably would have done the same thing.

Bulba lifted a hand, hesitated, then very tentatively held it out towards Vinnie.

"Thank you."

Even if Bulba didn't want it, Vinnie was insistent that he accept that apology. "Yes there is." He pushed himself off the edge of the table, standing up fully. "I'm supposed t'be the older one. The Venusaur..." The way he spoke that word, it was clear the evolution carried considerable weight for him. It wasn't simply about being stronger, like it was changing to an Ivysaur, or the new freedoms of teenagerhood - it was about taking on burdens. He was expected to act a certain way, to hold a certain standard that Vinnie clearly didn't think he matched up to.

But here Bulba was, still offering his hand. Vinnie couldn't help but give himself a small, self-deprecating smile and a shake of the head before he grasped that hand in his own firm grip.

He didn't have any hesitation at all in accepting the Ivysaur. Didn't matter at all that he was from another team.

They were Saurs. That meant something unconditional, to Vinnie.

The concept of that weight was still just a bit foreign to the younger Saur. He felt a similar weight to a smaller degree already, so it wasn't something entirely out there but... it was in this regard that their differences in upbringing came into play. Bulba would have said that Vinnie was doing just fine, but Vinnie was the only Venusaur he knew. That skewed his perceptions a little bit. Then again he had always been used to his older figures being a little rash anyway.

"I'm pretty sure that hasn't changed yet."

He gave Vinnie's hand a squeeze. For a ghost of a moment, looking down at their hands, there was the briefest bit of a smile on his face, but it was more like a memory than anything solid.

~~And then they made out.~~

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013// [Narration/E-mail]

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