rivalsweetscent (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rivalsweetscent) wrote2011-04-11 06:06 am
rivalsweetscent) wrote2011-04-11 06:06 am
013// [Narration/E-mail]
He had done something.
Bulba had been able to figure that much out since the nightmares had started. What he couldn't figure out was exactly what it had been, or the how or the why. Nothing good, at any rate. Yet no matter how much he tried, he couldn't keep a firm grasp on the images he knew were lurking in his mind.
The screams were as frustrating as they were frightening. The bitterness that filled his mouth churned his stomach even more when night after night he couldn't place what it was. The lingering traces of a sweet scent were hauntingly familiar.
He knew these things. He knew he knew them. Very well, probably. But he could not for the life of him attach the lingering feelings to solid concepts. At least not the right ones.
Every time he had gone out under the cherry blossoms, he had been filled with an acute sense of dread. They were far too fragrant. The sweetness wasn't quite the same, but it was close enough to make his nauseous. Hundreds of pink petals falling gently through the air. Hundreds of pink petals scattered across the ground.
Suddenly, staying awake wasn't an escape anymore. He'd been starting to believe that this was going to drive him completely mad. All the late nights shivering, all the times he woke up with tears flowing across his cheeks, every burst of guilty panic that he never seemed able to get used to… Now that he could no longer seek a reprieve in the daylight, he was certain he was going to lose it.
The feeling could be kept at bay when Kirby was at his side but…Kirby wasn't there anymore.
He had done something.
He had killed Vinnie.
At first having this knowledge handed to him was simply that: a simple fact and nothing more. The more it sat with him, however, the more it took root and became an understanding. He had forcibly caused the then Ivysaur to lose his life. He had… Bulba didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to process this. He only had what Max had told him to go on. At least until he slept.
The screams belonged to an Ivysaur writhing in pain. The bitterness in his mouth was the taste of sap and blood. The sweet smell was a dying flower's desperate attempt to save itself. The anxious feeling that filled him when he stood beneath the cherry trees was born from pulling each pink petal out, one by one. A voice was whispering in his ear, and all he could see was haunted, hating red eyes.
Bulba had woken up silently, laying still save for the trembling that had slowly started in his fingers and was moving up his hands. He remembered the how and the what. But what was the why…? What drove him to kill one of his own in cold blood? What kind of person had he been? There was a feeling settling over him that turned his blood to ice.
He had enjoyed it.
It wasn't him. That's what they would tell him. Whoever he had been, it hadn't actually been him. As nice as that sounded, he found it incredibly difficult to actually buy in to. Not when he could still feel the warmth of blood seeping through gloves across his hands. Try as he might, he couldn't get the feeling to go away. Over the week he collected more and more small scratches across his hands as he absently tried to brush the phantom liquid away. He never really noticed the stinging.
A tiny, still rational part of him tried to reason that maybe he really should go talk to Knuckles. He was a really good guy. The echidna wouldn't be about to point any fingers if he had gone through something similar himself. Bulba wasn't about to do that though. He felt uncomfortable knowing that Max knew. Who else knew… Green, if Max had been any indication. Is that why he had been acting so strange? If he knew, Char and Nyx probably did. He wondered how long they had looked at him, knowing what he had done. Had Kirby known? Was that why he… He felt sick every time he thought about the possibility.
And of course, Vinnie knew. That was without a doubt the worst. That night they had both been up with their own demons… here it was that Bulba had (probably) been the cause and yet… yet… Vinnie had still be the one reassuring him that everything would be fine. That it hadn't been him. That it hadn't been real. But there he was with his own fears and Bulba had just… He felt absolutely horrible. Bulba couldn't possibly imagine what must have been going through Vinnie's head, and yet…
The Venusaur had been nothing but kind to him. To him.. He didn't deserve a lick of it and yet there it was. Looking back at all the kind words and somewhat awkward reassurances, they just drove a knife through his chest.
Bulba didn't understand any of it. Not why it had happened, not how Vinnie could stand to be anywhere around him, not what he could possibly do about any of it. He had wanted to know what he had done so he could try to fix it but how on earth was he supposed to do that? There was no apology for this. How did one make amends to the dead when they were living and carrying that burden with them?
When the decision clicked in his mind, he didn't hesitate. This was necessary. It was hardly fair, but it was all he could allow himself to do. There were far too many things keeping him there. Too many promises he refused to break. His room mate's words rolled around his mind, but he could not heed them. There'd be no running from this. He wouldn't be able to even if he tried.
Far off where he was sure no one could see, it was done. It was over as soon as he started. It was startling how easy it had been and how delicate it all really was. It hurt far more than he expected, but he didn't seem to notice. It was a far paler comparison anyway. A sweet protest was trailing through the air. Bulba stared bleakly down at the yellow petal as it touched the forest floor. It was as much of an apology to the place it had happened as much as it was to the person he had done it to. It wasn't a place he could stay for long. He'd betrayed the forest just as much.
He supposed accepting it was all he could do. The dreams just got worse. He still wanted answers those memories couldn't provide. A week was a long time for anything to happen in. If Vinnie hadn't been the only one… All of these things, Bulba knew, came down to actually confronting it. If anyone else would be able to shed some light on things, it was probably the person it had happened to. But if not him, then… well there might have been another option.
After a few failed attempts at scrolling through the contact list on his phone, he finally managed to hover on the other saur's name long enough to press the call button.
… He hung up shortly after, dropping the phone next to him and pressing his palms to his temples. Everything was so messed up.
---
Hello.
This is mostly just out of curiosity. A short while back on the network you wrote about bending some rules… I was wondering if you might still be persuaded?
…Just wondering. Thank you.
--Bulba
no subject
"Don't be sorry," he muttered, with a mix of honesty and shame. "You came out this fuck up just as messed as I did, maybe worse.
"None'a this is your fault. I don't blame you. I don't hate you either, I couldn't if I tried."
no subject
It was just painful. He might not have hated him, but he knew Vinnie couldn't really look at him either. Bulba was different, but Frankie had still worn his face. Green was the only other one that called him that. He said there was still good in that face. He... He was teetering on the edge of something, and it was nothing he wanted Vinnie to see.
"... I should go." He was already moving towards the door.
A pause. "Nothing dumb, I promise."
no subject
If he let Bulba hang up, walk out without anything anything more, the Venusaur would regret it.
So as hard as it was to squeeze the voice from his throat, Vinnie steeled himself to look the Ivysaur in the eye and say something. "Wait, Bulba..."
no subject
"... Hm?"
no subject
If he didn't say something, then the moment was going to pass and Bulba would walk away again. This couldn't last forever. He took a deep breath.
"Maybe it took dying, but... in the very end, I - the Ivysaur I used to be - learned how to believe in people again. That's a feeling I'll remember too."
His posture softened. For all the memories he bottled inside him, he could bear it. He could get stronger. Knowing what it felt like to very genuinely have nothing, feel nothing, and die, it put the rest of his troubles in perspective. Bulba didn't have to worry about him.
"You never had t'do anything for me except to forgive yourself."
no subject
He couldn't quite say he was entirely comfortable with the idea. Not quite yet. It was much harder for him give himself the same chance for forgiveness that he held for everyone else.
All he could do was try.
"... I'm working on it. I'm afraid I'm a little behind the rest of you."
no subject
He gave a small, mute nod. Yeah, he was still hurt and angry at your screwed up coping methods, but as much as Vinnie hated to admit, he wasn't qualified to judge you. Bulba got what he wanted now, and it was up to him to be strong enough to fight it. There wasn't anything else Vinnie could do for him.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry too." For letting it all come to this. For hiding the truth. For not being able to protect you.
no subject
"There's nothing for you to apologize for," Bulba said eventually. He'd been through enough. The Ivysaur might have been upset that things had been kept under wraps for long, but deep down it wasn't anything he could hold anyone at fault for. Had it been the other way around, he probably would have done the same thing.
Bulba lifted a hand, hesitated, then very tentatively held it out towards Vinnie.
"Thank you."
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But here Bulba was, still offering his hand. Vinnie couldn't help but give himself a small, self-deprecating smile and a shake of the head before he grasped that hand in his own firm grip.
He didn't have any hesitation at all in accepting the Ivysaur. Didn't matter at all that he was from another team.
They were Saurs. That meant something unconditional, to Vinnie.
no subject
"I'm pretty sure that hasn't changed yet."
He gave Vinnie's hand a squeeze. For a ghost of a moment, looking down at their hands, there was the briefest bit of a smile on his face, but it was more like a memory than anything solid.
And then they made out.