rivalsweetscent | 000// Phone Post-O

He could only hold him tighter, spreading his hands across his chest as if to try and hold more of him. The fear that if he let him go, the Venusaur would just vanish struck suddenly and sat as an uncomfortable, very real weight in his chest. He didn't know what to say. It felt like something needed to be said but he couldn't find the words to try and curb the helplessness of the situation.

It seemed like it should have been fine if Red remembered who his pokemon at least. Bulba knew better though. So much had happened, and Vinnie had gone through so much to come back from it... having his efforts torn right from his hands must have been so much worse.

He shut his eyes, rubbing his cheek against his back.

"I don't know," he finally admitted in a sad, quiet whisper.

Now that the gate was opened, Vinnie's words - shaking and unsure though they were - began to fall more freely. "Did anything have a point? Why..."

There was a cracking in his already rough voice, and it felt like hearing his heart audibly crumble. He took a gulp of breath to compose himself, at least long enough to finish another sentence.

"Why am I even here? What fuckin' good have I..." Another heaving breath, and he squeezed his eyes shut. Vinnie hung his head, with the weight of defeat pressing down on him.

In a low hiss, he finished, "...have I ever done in this shitty place?"

Edited 2012-12-21 10:53 (UTC)

Just listening was placing his heart in a horrible vice. Each thought squeezed it tighter and made the pain that much more real. Bulba's hands moved nervously, as if they'd physically be able to hold together the pieces of Vinnie's breaking heart. This wasn't right at all.

"More than you know," Bulba insisted earnestly.

"You've done so much," he continued as he tried to swallow the tremble out of his voice. "A-at least for me... I know its selfish but I... I'm so happy you're here..."

The Ivysaur turned his head, pressing his forehead against Vinnie's back. He could feel some of the warmth beneath him, knowing his flower was just there. Was it possible for it to hear him this way, he wondered idly. "You've helped people get stronger, and you've given them hope and... you were there for them..." Bulba opened his eyes and stared at the fabric of Vinnie's clothes, and he did the best he could to try and make things as sweet as possible. He was still just an Ivysaur with a ripped petal. It frustrated him.

"I... If you weren't here I'd... probably still hate myself and... It doesn't mean a whole lot but..."

"It does to me."

Bulba's words fluttered in his chest like the faint echoes of reassurances the Venusaur had once given out. Being here's enough. That's what he told Red once, during a moment of doubt. It should've applied, and yet the taste of it now on his tongue felt dry and dead.

Even if he was a broken excuse for a Venusaur, and even if Bulba would never really see him as family, he still meant something to the Ivysaur, somehow. What little he was capable of doing... was that enough?

Maybe it was the way things should be, that he should help others and have nothing left for himself. That was the trade off.

Vinnie's eyes opened slowly, though they were still trained on the dirt. "Tell me..."

There was a pause. He raised his head an inch, as though bracing himself for a comforting lie.

"...Tell me it was worth it."

Bulba shut his eyes again. Maybe if he could just... find that feeling again, that one deep inside. It was the one that felt a little like sunshine if he had to put a name to it, and the one he had tried to find that time so long ago. He didn't know if it would work, or if the pink blossom hiding beneath him would hear it, but... Bulba's fingers curled tightly in Vinnie's hoodie.

Please don't let him fall, he tried to say to anything that could listen. Please don't let him crumble.

"It was worth it," Bulba said firmly, as if he believed it. He had to. All the shit they had been through had to be worth it otherwise why else would they even... be...

Please.

"Don't look back."

Edited 2012-12-22 02:19 (UTC)

At the addendum, Vinnie raised his head. It was hard to say whether it was simply the memory of old resolve that was stirred right then, or the Ivysaur's silent, desperate pleas that had carried through to his core. Either way, he felt the weak flutter of courage somewhere deep in his aching chest.

He had wanted to move forward. He didn't want to doubt himself anymore - that's what he told himself, months ago. If this was the path he was set upon, then there was no use clinging to the past.

Even if Red...

No. It was never just for his trainer's sake. Vinnie needed to be strong for himself, and all the things he wanted to protect. Even if Red could never give him validation, even if he couldn't remember the last time he was really happy, even if he didn't have enough hope to light his way to the end of the path, it... just had to be this way. Right?

There was no other path left to him. But god, everything hurt.

"Don't... look back," he echoed, though his conviction was still wounded. It was impossible to meet Bulba's face when he was behind him, so the Venusaur turned his gaze over at the mountain's view instead. Though he hadn't climbed too high, the forest was still visible from above, with the campus not too far in the distance and the city a sliver of civilization against the horizon.

After a stretch of silence, there was a frail, pained "Thanks."

Edited 2012-12-22 03:39 (UTC)

The Ivysaur let out a soft, shivery sigh and relaxed against Vinnie's form. Even if he hadn't touched anything- and he still wasn't sure that he had- trying had been an effort. Even if it hadn't been much, he still felt a little tired. But the important part was that it no longer felt so vital to keep Vinnie rooted- even if Bulba's hold loosened, Vinnie would not crumble down the mountain cliff. His hands slipped from his chest to rest loosely in his lap.

Bulba didn't say anything, just turned his cheek to Vinnie's back again and nodded. For a while, he stayed like that with Vinnie looking out over the mountain and Bulba just quietly holding him.

But eventually the Ivysaur's knees cried out in protest, and he could feel the tingles threatening to overcome his feet. He huffed to himself and reluctantly pulled away. The distance was closed another way, though, as Bulba quietly took a seat besides the Venusaur and looked out over the surroundings with him.

"... You don't have to move forward on your own, okay?"

Vinnie didn't say anything. Even when Bulba moved himself, he was so focused on the view that he barely reacted. The winter weather had settled in briskly enough that he could almost pretend he was back on Mt. Silver - it helped that he wasn't wearing a proper coat, either. Perhaps it wasn't enough to really bring him peace, but it was a comfortable illusion.

What he needed, however, was not nostalgia, but clarity. A cold that took away his distractions. Reminded him of what he had, and what was important.

The Venusaur sighed, letting the breath leave him in a stream of mist. He closed his eyes again, sifting through the images in his head. There was no use in focusing on something that only set him back and made him ache.

Right now, he had Bulba to share in the chilled mountain air. Bulba was important. He wasn't alone.

Repeating this to himself inwardly, Vinnie rested his head on the Ivysaur's shoulder, nuzzling his face into the warm crook of his neck. There was a mild desperation in the way he sought the other's scent against his bare skin - as though the airborne aroma simply wasn't enough.

Perhaps it wasn't. Sometimes, he needed the contact, to share another's presence against his face. And for once, he let himself lean on Bulba.

Bulba's eyes widened at the contact, and a flutter blossomed in his chest. This was... not how things usually went. But this was all right. Bulba knew what to do with this, even if the desperation in the motions alarmed him. If it was anyone else, the reverse of their usual situations might have been more unnerving. With Vinnie, he could only be grateful that there was something Bulba could do for him in return for all of the times it had been himself seeking comfort from the Venusaur's warmth.

The Ivysaur dipped his head against him, silently nuzzling the crown of his hair. A soft touch, something that might have been a kiss or simply just a touch of his lips to green as he offered more of his scent to him however he could.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a small hope that the Venusaur wouldn't notice the race of his pulse.

His hand sought out the other's in the still quiet. His fingers curved around his, lending what little warmth he had in the cold to him. If all he could really do for him was be there for him, then he would do that. He'd do it as much as he could. If Vinnie let himself lean on Bulba, then Bulba would stay there as long as he needed.

Vinnie's fingers squeezed back, unquestioningly accepting whatever comfort was offered. His breathing eased into a calm, slow tempo, each intake saturating his senses with as much aroma as he could manage. Everything felt still - time was something that happened in other places, not here. He would've happily stayed like this in the remote cold forever, if it meant he could escape the inevitable pain of rejoining civilization.

It couldn't last, of course - Bulba wouldn't be here for him forever. The Ivysaur would always have other obligations that came first - he would always tend to Green first, and Char, or Jolt. That was just how things were, the blood and the heart. They were masters of neither.

This? This was Vinnie allowing himself a lie. And for the moment, he didn't care. If no other comfort worked - things will get better, you'll get stronger - then what else was he supposed to do?

Friend and kin, but not family. And Vinnie simply couldn't tell Bulba that he wished it was something more. What exactly, he hadn't the word for it. But considering the history of their teams, it was better for it to go unasked than misunderstood.

Sometimes he wondered if the Ivysaur wanted the same. No matter how he looked at it, though, it felt selfish. Couldn't last.

Vinnie's body sagged a little against him, discouraged. In a low murmur, he muttered into the collar of the other saur's sweater. "Bulba, if...

A beat. Several beats.

"Your heart's going really fast."

Edited 2012-12-22 09:38 (UTC)

Then they were both living a lie. For Bulba, it was one where the older saur needed him. That he was important, and that maybe... maybe he liked being there at his side, maybe for more than just the comfort another saur could bring. Not because he was a saur, but because he was Bulba.

Fat chance.

He glanced down when Vinnie sank a little more against him, worry returning to the edges of his face. There was a flick of his ears as he tried to catch what else was being muttered. If...? If what? He tilt his head as if that would help draw out the answer.

The heart that was going so fast skipped a beat as soon as attention was brought to it.

"I just..." Cared about him so much. Wanted to keep holding him and try to chase away his sadness and... Be closer. "... got worried."

Gosh, the cold was hardly going to phase him if his face stayed that warm. Bulba lowered into a nuzzle again, trying to shift the focus off of that topic.

"What were you saying...?"

Edited 2012-12-22 10:23 (UTC)

Vinnie wasn't going to question that explanation, but Bulba's heart felt like it was racing fast enough for it to be straight up terror, rather than worry. Geez. A fleeting look of amusement crossed his face in an effort to set the Ivysaur at some ease. "Shit, I'm not gonna throw myself off the cliff or anythin'," he teased gently.

There really wasn't a force in all the world that could stop Bulba from worrying though, was there? As much as he felt bad for being such a source of frustration, the Venusaur just had to accept that it was his way of caring - just as his father's lectures had been. They both wanted him to be better.

As indignant as he could be about being mothered, Vinnie at least had the clarity right now to appreciate it for what it meant. He smiled a little wider to himself before lifting his head off Bulba's shoulder just enough to find his eyes.

Unbeknownst to himself, the Venusaur's own cheeks were lightly tinted with pink as well. As far as he knew, it was just by virtue of the cold.

"Mmm, dunno. It's nothin' important." Despite saying that, however, Vinnie went straight on and continued, "But I guess if I was never here... we'd never be like this, either."

Whatever this was.

Whatever they wanted it to be.

It was so nice to see him smile, despite everything. Even a little one meant that someday it could be brighter. It meant he hadn't forgotten how. There was a hope for a comeback yet. When, Bulba wasn't sure. It was hard to guess anything with the school the way it was. But he could hope, and even if he knew there would probably still be bumpy roads first, he still hoped it was soon.

Bulba couldn't help but smile a little bit himself as he watched the older saur's face. The rosy hues of his face were naturally attributed to the cold around them. What he hid behind for his own warmer complexion was clearly just the actual reason for anyone else, and it did not occur to him to think anything deeper on it.

He almost chuckled at Vinnie's words, letting his eyes fall to look down at their slightly touching knees. "Mm. I'd still think you were a dumb jerk and you'd still think I was an annoying whatever." Bulba lifted his eyes again, meeting Vinnie's. It actually hadn't been all that long ago, really, even if it felt like ages had passed.

The Ivysaur tilt his his head, gently leaning his forehead against the Venusaur's. "I like it better like this."

There was a moment there as they sat close with their heads together and hands touching. Bulba wondered what would happen if he pressed forward and kissed him right there. They were so close, it wouldn't have been hard. Here in the serene stillness of the mountain air, it almost seemed like things would be fine. They'd just share each other's warmth, and they wouldn't be alone.

Bulba shut his eyes, taking in a breath of his scent, and waited for the dream of a moment to pass. It couldn't happen. It wouldn't happen. He rubbed his forehead gently with his own.

This was about Vinnie, not his own silly feelings.

He'd be content with this.

"I like us better like this."

Did Bulba always smell this sweet? It was different somehow, but he couldn't quite remember what it meant. Either way, he was content to bask in it a little longer - it just made the light in him glow with an unfamiliar contentment.

Vinnie's face softened as he put the pain at bay. "But I am a dumb jerk," he remarked.

Bulba blinked his eyes back open and actually laughed a little.

"Maybe, but you're still a dumb jerk that I like."

There was a beat as he realized what had come out of his mouth.

"Better now," he quickly rushed to add in a way that he hoped just came off as a continuation of the sentence.

No, that wasn't smooth at all, Bulba - even Vinnie noticed the obvious skip in your sentence. But that's all right. He thought nothing more of it than a brief lapse in wit. Nothing was suspected.

There was a flicker of weariness across the Vinnie's face as the Venusaur glanced downward. His brows knitted slightly, and he muttered;]

...Then I guess I can't be all bad.

[Just forgettable, apparently.]

Edited 2012-12-27 10:54 (UTC)

[Bulba frowned just slightly. He nuzzled Vinnie's face again, his free hand boldly emphasizing it as he cupped it against the Venusaur's cheek. It felt warm despite the cold. Bulba tried not to think much about what he was doing. ]

...You're not bad at all, Vinnie. Please don't think that.

[The flicker of a small, ironic smile crossed his face as he nuzzled back. He could hear Bulba's words, but as much as he wanted to, they couldn't fully absorb them.

He probably wasn't 'all bad.' But he definitely wasn't 'not bad at all.' If he didn't justify all this pain somehow in his mind, then the senselessness of it made it just hurt all the worse. If things had to happen for a reason, and it was simply easiest to pin them on his failings.

Bulba believed what he believed. Rather than address them, the Venusaur breathed deep and diverted the subject. In a low whisper, he muttered;]

You smell different, too...

Edited 2012-12-30 09:20 (UTC)

[There was a palpable beat of silence between them.

Bulba blinked, his expression of worried concern contorting into slight confusion. What was this then? He smelled different? What... . . .

The perfectly logical explanation was lost on him, or he might have panicked. Oblivious to his own species way of handling things of the heart, Bulba just sat there in the continued intimate gesture while his brain could only think up question marks.]

.... Huh?

[Hm. Well, if it wasn't an intentional thing (if that was possible?) on Bulba's part, then perhaps Vinnie was just imagining it. He'd been away too long from a real pod, and away from the social gestures that accompanied it for him to register the scent for what it actually was. The sweet addition to a saur's natural perfume was so subtle it was easy to miss completely for any other creature.

His state of mind was playing tricks on him, maybe. Or the weather? Carefully, Vinnie placed his hand over the one Bulba held against his cheek and pulled himself away from the tender hold. He looked down at the two pairs of hands between them - how similar they were and how they held one another.

Who was he to say it felt right? It was a fleeting thought. But the reality of the cold was still there, evident against their exposed skin.]

Nevermind. Look, you're freezing. You should be inside.

[I want to stay like this, was the thought that flickered through his mind in the instant where his hand remained holding Vinnie's face and the older saur's was cupped flush against it. Right there. Just a little longer...

It was barely even a moment before it was over, and Bulba felt a shameful pang of yearning. Stop that. You were being dumb again. But even as he chided himself, his eyes followed Vinnie's down to their hands. Vinnie might not have said it, but Bulba would have agreed.]

I'm fine.

[It was a stubborn lie. The unsettling warmth he felt besides Vinnie had been enough to distract him from the nip of the cold for a little while, but it did not make its effects any less real. His fingers were bright pink against Vinnie's, and his breathing had been coming in slight shivers for a short while now. He was not sure if he could actually feel his ears.]

[Such a lie. Vinnie's eyes flickered up to meet Bulba's, just so the other could see that flat, knowing look in his stare. Of course the Ivysaur wouldn't want to leave him regardless of the weather. Well, fine.]

I'll make you some tea.

[There was some strong insistence in his voice, but it accompanied the underlying reassurance that yes, Vinnie would go with him. That would suit the worried mother hen well enough, hopefully.

The Venusaur could always slip out on his own another time when he longed for the cold and altitude. As long as he was keeping busy somehow, whether it was with tea-making or the holiday season, he could put Red from his mind.]

[Bulba sat back a little at that look. It was one that said the other knew him too well, and knew exactly what the Ivysaur's intentions had been. His frozen ears still possessed enough ability to flick back, though the unconscious gesture brought a sharp tingling sensation. Gosh. Fine. Bulba lowered his eyes again with a sigh, yielding.]

... All right.

[The unspoken promise that Vinnie would go with him was enough. He knew he couldn't keep the Venusaur out of the cold. It helped him think. He remembered that. Other trips were fine, but this one... This one was different. With the storm of negative emotions freshly released and at its rawest... This one had scared him a little.

He hadn't been alone. It would be okay. Slowly. Bulba would believe it enough for both of them.

Bulba took Vinnie's hand in his, carefully rousing himself to his feet.]

[Looking satisfied with this response, Vinnie rose as well. Their hand to hand contact was finally broken when he unfurled his fingers from Bulba's in order to dust off all the dirt still covering him.

As nice as it was, the moment was gone. With a task in mind now, it was easy for Vinnie to let go and focus away from his illusions - not thinking how the Ivysaur felt about the abrupt release.

When it was clear that wiping off everything was a lost cause, Vinnie straightened himself back up and glanced at Bulba. Though he said it before, words by themselves didn't feel enough for the gratitude he owed. Hell, he was starting to feel a little embarrassed for it. But he said it again, with more certainty, because he needed to.]

Thank you. For finding me.

[In perhaps more than simply the literal sense of the word.]

[He hadn't been ready for it. There was a rush of nervous energy grasping his chest tightly as the Venusaur abruptly broke the contact. He wanted nothing more than to grab it back, but he knew very well that even if he did, it wouldn't matter. Reality had come crashing back without warning. The lie was over, and in its wake there was only a dull ache.

Even with all of his own reprimands, he had still let himself get caught up in all of it. He was a fool, and he had no one to blame but himself for the sting.

It felt that much colder now.

But still, Bulba managed to smile for him, small and genuine.]

You're welcome.

[He paused.]

... Thank you for letting me.

000// Phone Post-O

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