rivalsweetscent (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rivalsweetscent) wrote2011-04-11 06:06 am
rivalsweetscent) wrote2011-04-11 06:06 am
013// [Narration/E-mail]
He had done something.
Bulba had been able to figure that much out since the nightmares had started. What he couldn't figure out was exactly what it had been, or the how or the why. Nothing good, at any rate. Yet no matter how much he tried, he couldn't keep a firm grasp on the images he knew were lurking in his mind.
The screams were as frustrating as they were frightening. The bitterness that filled his mouth churned his stomach even more when night after night he couldn't place what it was. The lingering traces of a sweet scent were hauntingly familiar.
He knew these things. He knew he knew them. Very well, probably. But he could not for the life of him attach the lingering feelings to solid concepts. At least not the right ones.
Every time he had gone out under the cherry blossoms, he had been filled with an acute sense of dread. They were far too fragrant. The sweetness wasn't quite the same, but it was close enough to make his nauseous. Hundreds of pink petals falling gently through the air. Hundreds of pink petals scattered across the ground.
Suddenly, staying awake wasn't an escape anymore. He'd been starting to believe that this was going to drive him completely mad. All the late nights shivering, all the times he woke up with tears flowing across his cheeks, every burst of guilty panic that he never seemed able to get used to… Now that he could no longer seek a reprieve in the daylight, he was certain he was going to lose it.
The feeling could be kept at bay when Kirby was at his side but…Kirby wasn't there anymore.
He had done something.
He had killed Vinnie.
At first having this knowledge handed to him was simply that: a simple fact and nothing more. The more it sat with him, however, the more it took root and became an understanding. He had forcibly caused the then Ivysaur to lose his life. He had… Bulba didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to process this. He only had what Max had told him to go on. At least until he slept.
The screams belonged to an Ivysaur writhing in pain. The bitterness in his mouth was the taste of sap and blood. The sweet smell was a dying flower's desperate attempt to save itself. The anxious feeling that filled him when he stood beneath the cherry trees was born from pulling each pink petal out, one by one. A voice was whispering in his ear, and all he could see was haunted, hating red eyes.
Bulba had woken up silently, laying still save for the trembling that had slowly started in his fingers and was moving up his hands. He remembered the how and the what. But what was the why…? What drove him to kill one of his own in cold blood? What kind of person had he been? There was a feeling settling over him that turned his blood to ice.
He had enjoyed it.
It wasn't him. That's what they would tell him. Whoever he had been, it hadn't actually been him. As nice as that sounded, he found it incredibly difficult to actually buy in to. Not when he could still feel the warmth of blood seeping through gloves across his hands. Try as he might, he couldn't get the feeling to go away. Over the week he collected more and more small scratches across his hands as he absently tried to brush the phantom liquid away. He never really noticed the stinging.
A tiny, still rational part of him tried to reason that maybe he really should go talk to Knuckles. He was a really good guy. The echidna wouldn't be about to point any fingers if he had gone through something similar himself. Bulba wasn't about to do that though. He felt uncomfortable knowing that Max knew. Who else knew… Green, if Max had been any indication. Is that why he had been acting so strange? If he knew, Char and Nyx probably did. He wondered how long they had looked at him, knowing what he had done. Had Kirby known? Was that why he… He felt sick every time he thought about the possibility.
And of course, Vinnie knew. That was without a doubt the worst. That night they had both been up with their own demons… here it was that Bulba had (probably) been the cause and yet… yet… Vinnie had still be the one reassuring him that everything would be fine. That it hadn't been him. That it hadn't been real. But there he was with his own fears and Bulba had just… He felt absolutely horrible. Bulba couldn't possibly imagine what must have been going through Vinnie's head, and yet…
The Venusaur had been nothing but kind to him. To him.. He didn't deserve a lick of it and yet there it was. Looking back at all the kind words and somewhat awkward reassurances, they just drove a knife through his chest.
Bulba didn't understand any of it. Not why it had happened, not how Vinnie could stand to be anywhere around him, not what he could possibly do about any of it. He had wanted to know what he had done so he could try to fix it but how on earth was he supposed to do that? There was no apology for this. How did one make amends to the dead when they were living and carrying that burden with them?
When the decision clicked in his mind, he didn't hesitate. This was necessary. It was hardly fair, but it was all he could allow himself to do. There were far too many things keeping him there. Too many promises he refused to break. His room mate's words rolled around his mind, but he could not heed them. There'd be no running from this. He wouldn't be able to even if he tried.
Far off where he was sure no one could see, it was done. It was over as soon as he started. It was startling how easy it had been and how delicate it all really was. It hurt far more than he expected, but he didn't seem to notice. It was a far paler comparison anyway. A sweet protest was trailing through the air. Bulba stared bleakly down at the yellow petal as it touched the forest floor. It was as much of an apology to the place it had happened as much as it was to the person he had done it to. It wasn't a place he could stay for long. He'd betrayed the forest just as much.
He supposed accepting it was all he could do. The dreams just got worse. He still wanted answers those memories couldn't provide. A week was a long time for anything to happen in. If Vinnie hadn't been the only one… All of these things, Bulba knew, came down to actually confronting it. If anyone else would be able to shed some light on things, it was probably the person it had happened to. But if not him, then… well there might have been another option.
After a few failed attempts at scrolling through the contact list on his phone, he finally managed to hover on the other saur's name long enough to press the call button.
… He hung up shortly after, dropping the phone next to him and pressing his palms to his temples. Everything was so messed up.
---
Hello.
This is mostly just out of curiosity. A short while back on the network you wrote about bending some rules… I was wondering if you might still be persuaded?
…Just wondering. Thank you.
--Bulba
no subject
"... Blacky?" He suggested. There was a large number of ghosts at the school, but since Bulba was used to most, he figured that Blacky's presence, considering they knew her when she was alive, would be the most unsettling. But deep in his heart, he knew that it had nothing to do with any third party. Were the nightmares coming back?
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He absently picked up the inviting looking mug, staring down at it's contents. The warmth was a sharp contrast to the cold he felt in his hands, taking him slightly by surprise. There was a small sip of something that he did not register the taste of. Bulba turned the mug in his hands, then awkwardly set the beverage back down before he could end up spilling.
The nightmares had never really left.
He moved to say something, but he couldn't get himself to say his trainer's name. It stuck painfully in his throat. He couldn't sit and pretend this was okay. "... I'm sorry," he breathed suddenly. "I'm sorry."
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He stared at the Saur, lump in his throat. He didn't want to look too horrified, but it was fully possible his fear was flooding out through his eyes. Oh Arceus, please don't let Bulba have remembered.
"... Sorry for what?" A breath. "The knife?" A desperate grab. "I already told you, it's not your fault. Don't feel bad!"
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The desperate touch made him flinch. Bulba tried to shrink back away from him. "It is my fault. I know why you did it."
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"You talked to Vinnie." All he could hope now was that the Venusaur had kept his mouth shut about the Toxic incident.
There was a sinking feeling in his gut that told him that it didn't really matter. Even if he hadn't, Bulba knew.
"Oh, Arceus." He didn't know what to say. "Bulba... I don't..."
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There wasn't anything he could say. He could hear the worry in Green's voice and all he wanted to do was hold him but he couldn't. He couldn't touch him. He couldn't look at him. He felt ashamed to be anywhere near him. Bulba scrambled back to illustrate this point, physically removing himself from the couch to pace restlessly across the room. Anything to get himself away from Green, as if his very presence was going to end up poisoning the boy all over again.
"I thought it was just him but... you looked...
"I hurt you."
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"No," He whispered, "No you didn't. He did. That's not you, that was never you, and will never be you. You don't even have the ability to do that."
He hung his head, looking at his bandaged hand. Just like earlier.
"I'm the one who should be sorry. For acting like such a shithead about all this. I just didn't know... how to do it."
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It took every effort not to be sick again right there.
"Don't. Please don't. I'm supposed to protect you but I..." Bulba looked over at Green's hand as well. He had promised to keep him safe no matter the cost, yet he couldn't save him from himself. "I still scared you. It's not your fault. Don't call yourself that again."
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Green took two more steps towards him, fingernails digging into his palms.
"I... was going about this all wrong."
He looked at the ground right near Bulba's feet.
"I was trying to avoid the truth, to protect you from it. But that was dumb."
His eyes began to rise, working his way up to finally meeting the other's.
"Frankie poisoned me. It's true. And it scared me, even after I woke up as myself again."
He got closer and closer.
"Bulba. I'm sorry."
It was almost like he couldn't stop the words from coming out of his mouth. But already... he could feel a weight start to lift from his chest.
"I'm sorry I was only thinking of myself. You remember when Char was shot. It's as much my job to protect you guys as it is yours to protect me."
He was right behind him now, hands reaching out.
"But it's you. It's you. You've known me your whole life. So don't be stupid--"
And then, his hands were holding Bulba's face. Now in a mirror image of the last position Frankie and the other Green were last in together, there was nowhere for the other to go. And Green kissed him.
When they separated, he made sure to look into Bulba's eyes.
"There. Now that time won't be the only time." If he was able to do that, he hoped that Bulba might be able to forgive himself.
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"Stop," he tried to whisper, but he wasn't sure if any sound was actually making it out of his throat.
"It's not your fault."
Don't touch me.
"Please."
I don't want to hurt you.
Bulba froze at the first instance of contact, staring up at Green with wide eyes as the boy's fingers brushed over his face. "Gre-" The name was quickly silenced.
He was kissing him. Oh god Green was kissing him. He was kissing him even after… Bulba couldn't help the soft whimper he made, or the way his cheeks were heating up or the way that tears had started to fall down his face. He couldn't think. His heart was swelling in his chest, breaking free from the hold it had been under.
It was nicer than he could of dreamed.
Bulba could only stare at him wordlessly when he pulled away, his expression a mess of all the emotions welling up inside. Shock, confusion, heartache, guilt, sadness, love… He had kissed him. He was looking at him. He was sorry.
Bulba was quite certain he was going to explode.
The Ivysaur buried his face against his trainer's shoulder and cried.
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"Please stay here tonight," He mumbled. I missed you, was left unsaid.
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This was real and it was warm and Bulba never wanted to let go. I missed you too.